Back in August, I was asked by a psychologist if I ever asked myself “why me?”. He made it sound like a bad thing and I don’t think about it much and when I do it doesn’t change my feelings towards my disease so I said “not really”. It didn’t bother me that he asked me this, as some of what he asks does, but it stuck in my mind. When I got home, I got hit all of a sudden with increased symptoms, mainly rage and anxiety in the pit of my stomach as well as increased sound sensitivity. I went up to my room to try and sleep it off but I couldn’t fall asleep so I did the next best thing for me, I went on a bike ride. Riding my bike generally can calm me down. I can be alone and it is quite and the exercise lets me get out my aggression. But it wasn’t helping. All of this got me thinking about the day. I woke up feeling alright and I couldn’t think of anything that would lead me to feel this bad. This thinking lead me to the appointment with the psychologist and I began thinking about his question, “Why me?”.
Every once in a while, I think of this question and a few others again. Why me? Why now? Could I have done something differently? I always land on the same answer. It was nothing I did or didn’t do now or before. There is no reason that I or any other PANDAS/PANS/Lyme kid got sick that we could have changed. If there is a reason, it is a bad immune system in our genes and that is not our fault.
Everyone tries to give fault to something or someone when something bad happens. They could blame their own wrong doings, blame another person as if they were a villain, they could blame god or the government or the world but no amount of blaming can automatically fix it. Even if there is something to blame, you can’t go back in time and change it. If there isn’t something to blame, you are just trying to put a face on evil and evil doesn’t have a face.
Accepting this and the problems you face is the hardest part. I spent years blaming myself. I never blamed my parents, who gave me my DNA, or the doctors, who triggered my immune system and have yet to get me fully better. I saw that it wasn’t their fault but I couldn’t see that it wasn’t mine. In the past 2 years, I have slowly figured it out but every once in awhile I will think, “What did I do to deserve this?”.
Searching for something to blame isn’t all bad. Because of it, I kept searching and researching for treatment and a cure. It has allowed me to get better at times. My doctors want to help but they don’t have all day to just research online for new ideas. I did and it greatly helped but if all you are doing is blaming yourself or something else and not using that blame productively, it is getting you nowhere. So blame with caution and know that it’s not bad to ask “Why me?” personally, I think it is healthy.